Message Monkey

Coparenting with a high-conflict ex can feel exhausting—especially when every message seems to spark an argument, accusation, or emotional spiral. If you’re using a coparenting app (such as OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents, AppClose, or similar), one of the most effective tools you can pair with it is BIFF messaging.

BIFF is a communication framework designed specifically for high-conflict situations. When used consistently, it can dramatically reduce stress, limit escalation, and protect both your emotional well-being and your legal position.

What Is BIFF Messaging?

BIFF stands for:

• Brief
• Informative
• Friendly
• Firm

The BIFF method was developed by high-conflict communication experts to help people respond—not react—to difficult messages. Instead of engaging emotionally or defensively, BIFF focuses on clarity, boundaries, and documentation.

Let’s break down what each part means in the context of coparenting.

1. Brief: Say Less, Not More

High-conflict dynamics thrive on long explanations, justifications, and emotional back-and-forth. BIFF messaging keeps responses short and to the point.

Why this matters in a coparenting app:

• Long messages invite misinterpretation and manipulation
• Extra details can be used against you later
• Brief messages are easier for third parties (mediators, attorneys, judges) to review if needed

Example:
Instead of:

“I already told you last week that I couldn’t switch weekends because I have work and it’s unfair that you keep asking…”

Try:

“I’m not available to switch weekends.”

2. Informative: Stick to Facts, Not Feelings

BIFF messages focus on neutral, factual information—dates, times, logistics, and child-related needs—without opinions, accusations, or emotional language.

Why this matters in a coparenting app:

• Apps are designed for record-keeping, not emotional processing
• Facts reduce the chance of escalation
• Clear information supports effective coordination for the children

Example:

“Pickup is Friday at 5:00 PM at the school, per the parenting plan.”

No commentary. No debate.

3. Friendly: Neutral and Polite (Not Warm or Personal)

“Friendly” doesn’t mean overly nice or accommodating. It means calm, respectful, and non-sarcastic. Think professional—not personal.

Why this matters in a coparenting app:

• Neutral tone reduces accusations of hostility
• Politeness helps messages stand up to legal scrutiny
• It models appropriate communication if messages are ever reviewed

Example:

“Thanks for confirming. I’ll see you then.”

This isn’t an invitation to reconnect—it’s simply courteous.

4. Firm: Clear Boundaries Without Defensiveness

Firm means you clearly state your position or boundary without arguing, threatening, or over-explaining. You’re not trying to convince the other parent—you’re informing them.

Why this matters in a coparenting app:

• High-conflict individuals often push boundaries repeatedly
• Firm responses prevent endless circular discussions
• Consistency builds predictability and reduces future conflict

Example:

“That change doesn’t work for me. We’ll follow the current schedule.”

No apology. No justification. Just clarity.

Why BIFF Works Especially Well in Coparenting Apps

Coparenting apps are designed to:

• Create permanent records
• Reduce direct emotional interaction
• Keep communication child-focused

BIFF messaging aligns perfectly with these goals.

When you use BIFF:

• You reduce emotional fuel
• You minimize opportunities for manipulation
• You protect yourself legally
• You keep the focus on the children—not the conflict

Over time, many high-conflict coparents either reduce their hostile messaging or stop engaging altogether when they realize they’re no longer getting emotional reactions.

A Final Thought

BIFF messaging is not about “winning” or changing your coparent. It’s about protecting your peace, maintaining clear boundaries, and creating a stable communication environment for your children.

When paired with a coparenting app, BIFF becomes more than a communication style—it becomes a strategy for long-term sanity and stability in a difficult coparenting dynamic.